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A page from the depression years...

I want to die writing!
The exquisite, clich├ęd, romanticism of this idea is rolling in my head in parallels with death ….

My death …
Closer every second
Yet so far …. I think,

I’ll live forever
The lonely image of me,
A colourful painting of a person with a pale personality, me
Typing my feelings on a broken laptop hoping that maybe, if I die …

They’ll understand,
That I cannot speak,
I’ve always wished to be physically mute, so I would stop being misunderstood,
But it seems the only way I can mute myself is by as many pain killers as I can have,

And alone, in silence, I write
Maybe for the last time,

A part of me hopes that in a few minutes death will come and greet me and lure me with its silent beauty

A part of me is afraid of letting go, the people that I truly care about, that’s the worst part, it hurts right through my chest and burns the corners of my eyes…

The last part of me just wants to write forever

I’m not sure whether it’s writing calming my heartbeats,
Or the pain killers in my poisoned blood…
I like to think it is words,

Beautiful, insane, lethal words…


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The Last Return

The colour of honey in his eyes now comes with a bitter tinge of sadness.
How could the universe allow his heart to bear the pains of this world when the pink blush on his cheekbones tells me he still possesses the pure and delicate love the rest of us left behind in our distant childhoods, or maybe never had.
I want his sadness to leave his face and come into mine. If that means his love can stay in the light that sheds from his honey coloured eye.
The red muscle pumping blood in my chest, the colour of a puzzle of missing pieces. He, everyday further from my reach, and another missing piece falls into place.
How strange it is, to create, a whole puzzle that is not there. How strange it is that because of his missing, there isn't even a there anymore.

He sits silently, looking at his feet. I swing as if the sadness falling upon us is not a big elephant in the park. But we know it is. Because his eyes become darkened when he says: "Really, I'm fine"…

Just add water.

I wrote a book about you, and the grey concrete that gave life to me. The dead cement, the rough surface that scratched my knees and made them bleed. The hot asphalt, glittering at the touch of sunrays that warmed my veins until blood would overflow and pour out of me like some gory scene in a horror movie only, much brighter. It gave life to me.
I wasn't born out of fertile earth or wrapped in sweet greens, I was, very much, a child of mud, sweat and dust. Tirana, this vicious parent with bullets between its teeth and a bleeding tongue.
Tirana this prison of sorts, beautiful, and charming and disturbed. My bipolar hometown, my little slice of hell. How I miss it. It gave life to me and slipped a pen between my fingers and a taboo between my legs and it told me to choose.
I do not think about taboos father, I am too careless, too temperamental for that. I am rough inside like the hot concrete that birthed and raised me.
I stare down, from a window up on the fifth floor of a pre…